i was cuddling this guy once n he had his head on my chest n just whispered “what did you just think about?” and i went “netflix” becus i was thinkin about netflix and he just went
"oh. your heart sped up and i… ok"
Why do people act like being a vampire is so fucking great. You can’t eat garlic bread so what’s the point
Okay first of all fuck garlic bread
What the fuck. What thef. Uck. You come on here, you come into my house, you take a shit on my post you shit on garlic bread, you shit on everything I stand for, on this, the day of my daughter’s wedding… .
My parents are both pastors and once I was fucking this one dude who’s dad was the pastor of the rival church and he whispered ‘talk biblical to me’ so i started reciting Psalms 23 and we ended up getting into a competition of who could recite the most bible versus before they cummed
you need less jesus
I feel so proud when friends tell me their parents like me. Like damn right they do, I am a delight.a friend’s dad once hugged me goodbye and said “you’re like the daughter i never had” and his wife is like “youhave a daughter
Girls that love gay guys but are disgusted by lesbians.
Guys that love lesbians but are disgusted by gay guys.
Anyone who is disgusted by anyone because of their sexual preference.
SOCKS AND FLIP FLOPS
i dont want a job i just want paychecks
do you ever just smell an old perfume, or hear an old song, or pass an old hangout spot and kinda break inside for a couple minutes
u know yr fucked when someone is so fine u can’t even look at them directly u gotta glance at them out of the corner of your eye like yr lookin at the sun